i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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