you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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