I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
