well I can't set my house on fire every night
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
