we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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