idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
