You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
