I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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