I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
