Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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