like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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