Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I had to cum in my sink.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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