Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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