Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
