What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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