well I can't set my house on fire every night
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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