He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
