So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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