chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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