i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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