omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
