thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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