If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
