considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
