last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
