Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize