You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
