i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I need moral support for this bender
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize