I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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