I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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