I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
