Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
