I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
