I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
