please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
