I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
