I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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