I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
