awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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