I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
