it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
