i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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