Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
