does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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