he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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