Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize