when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
