I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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