Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
