Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
