ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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