He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
