Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize