I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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