On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
