Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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