And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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