Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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