Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize