My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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