All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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