that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
