So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sober January is a disaster.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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