I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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