I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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