every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Randomize
