I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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