My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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